a perfect xmas story...[views:1991][posts:24]______________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 3:46pm - the_reverend ""] >Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect >courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, >perfect. > >One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their >perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of >the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. > >There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to >disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded >Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along >delivering the toys. > >Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; >and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. >Question: Who was the survivor? > >(Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it) > >! > > > > > > > > > > > > > >Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed >in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no >such thing as a perfect man. > >**** Women stop reading here, this is the end of the joke for you. >**** Men keep scrolling. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been >driving. This explains why there was a car accident. Men Keep scrolling > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates >another point: Women never listen |
| __________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 3:46pm - succubus ""] old! |
| __________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 3:47pm - ram_girl ""] but still funny... |
| __________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 3:48pm - succubus ""] i actually got it on monday in a powerpoint presentation that you could click on stuff here: perfect husband Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello" WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes" WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much." WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked." MAN: "How much?" WOMAN: "$80,000" MAN: "OK, but for that price make sure you get all the options." WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing . The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000" MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000." WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!" MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?" |
| __________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 4:01pm - ram_girl ""] and to continue in the tradition..... Marriage - Part I Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......... whether you're here or not." (DAMN SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last" (HE ASKED FOR IT!) ****************************** Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!) ****************************************** Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." (RIGHT ON, LADY!) ************************************** Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. |
| _____________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 4:07pm - Christraper ""] women are pure evil send up from the pits of hell to destroy us all! |
| __________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 4:08pm - ram_girl ""] Worst part is that we are failing..... |
| _____________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 4:13pm - Christraper ""] Not true. You guys work from within. You live with us. You give us shit when we go out and party. You give us the sad puppy face and convince us to do things we dont want to and cant afford. Should i continue? |
| __________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 4:16pm - ram_girl ""] Umm, I could stand for more and make you really stress....but nah, you summed it up pretty well so I'll let you end there.....but you did forget the sad puppy dog face AND the quivering bottom lip (I'm sure you get that too)! I'm kidding, of course! |
| _____________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 4:17pm - Christraper ""] no your right. im powerless against women. |
| _______________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 4:25pm - armageddonday ""] Christraper said:Not true. You guys work from within. You live with us. You give us shit when we go out and party. You give us the sad puppy face and convince us to do things we dont want to and cant afford. Should I continue? You guys work from within. TRUE You live with us. WRONG You give us shit when we go out and party. WRONG You give us the sad puppy face and convince us to do things we dont want to TRUE and cant afford. WRONG Should I continue? NO, PLEASE |
| __________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 4:31pm - ram_girl ""] armageddonday said:Christraper said:Not true. You guys work from within. You live with us. You give us shit when we go out and party. You give us the sad puppy face and convince us to do things we dont want to and cant afford. Should I continue? You guys work from within. TRUE You live with us. WRONG You give us shit when we go out and party. WRONG You give us the sad puppy face and convince us to do things we dont want to TRUE and cant afford. WRONG Should I continue? NO, PLEASE hahaha....awesome! |
| _____________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 4:33pm - Christraper ""] Anne doesnt count. Shes french. |
| __________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 4:36pm - ram_girl ""] WOW....you do remember what she did to Joe right? There were pictures to prove it! |
| _____________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 4:37pm - Christraper ""] she knows im joking. i cant say no to anne either. |
| _______________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 4:44pm - armageddonday ""] So, if I listen to Christraper and Josh Martin, I don't count as a women cause: *I transcend genders *I'm French |
| __________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 4:47pm - ram_girl ""] Christraper said:she knows im joking. i cant say no to anne either. Sounds like we need to toughen you up then |
| _____________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 4:47pm - Christraper ""] no you count as a woman, just not an american woman because european chicks are way cooler than the girls here. |
| _______________________________________ [Dec 16,2004 4:52pm - armageddonday ""] I still maintain "human=garbage" no matter where we're from we're the same pieces of shit. |
| ____________________________________________ [Dec 24,2004 2:05am - Todd(bombshelter) ""] Christmas With Louise As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louis e should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louis e made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health! |
| ___________________________________ [Dec 24,2004 2:18am - dreadkill ""] that is fuckin hilarious todd. where did you find it? |
| ____________________________________________ [Dec 24,2004 2:44am - Todd(bombshelter) ""] this site called LabLaughs |
| ____________________________________________ [Dec 24,2004 6:01am - Todd(bombshelter) ""] Merry Christmas!!!You think you got it bad All night long, soot in the chimneys, smelly socks cross dogs, shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow, damn near got killed by a 747. Mrs. Clause pissed off, I got in to late. And that isn't all Donner and Blitzen And Roudolf got the shits over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The damn elves won't clean the sleighs unless I pay them double time. I am so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit The only high ball I had all night is when I slipped getting out of the sleigh. My prostate is giving me hell, pissed myself pants at 20,000 feet and froze to the seat. Allergic to pine needles, I itch all over. I think my hemorrhoids are back. Merry Christmas, Your Ass! |
| ___________________________________ [Dec 24,2004 10:16am - succubus ""] lol |
| ____________________________________________ [Dec 24,2004 6:14pm - Todd(bombshelter) ""] Message from Santa Dear Friends I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 piperspiping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit. On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone. Love, Santa. |